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Do you know how beautiful you are naturally the way the Universe designed you is the way your meant to be. Naturally, carefully. I have to want myself first, Not waiting. Tell me who you truly are, without constrictions and hidden agendas. Keep my heart without hurting it with strings of disappointments...


Notes...
2 Types of Samadhi

Sabya Conscious- Still in the physical Sabija means seed
sanprajnata ?(sp)means distinguished in the sense of distinguishing between things. In other words the realm of duality

and Nirbija/ Means seedless or impotent. In this state you no longer have the seeds of attachment. You are no longer attached to anything. In sense of being an individual self has completely disappeared. This is a state in which human desires and fear are completely gone. This samadhia is also known as a samprijnata;Samprajnata Samadhi means undistinguished. In this state you are byond the realm of duality. In this state you are byond the realm of duality in nature and move into the realm of the eternal and the infinite. The god realm In this state you experience the eternal/infinite character of the Universe conscious mind dwells in the world beyond the duality of nature.

Singularity of infinite or simply, in God. You are no longer human. you are full.
Conscious spirit incarnate.
Samprajnata Samadhi


Identify or ego dies, there can be no attachment to anything including Self. In this way we practice dying, look death in the face and make peace. With total annihilation and walk willing into it.

...

So what have I been afraid of.. My voice never having a chance to be heard.

(Note to Self) What good is transferring if I am just going to keep the notes anyways?

4/7/09

Thought:

paying attention to the unconscious opens up inner truths, like doors and windows shedding light, where the awakened heart and mind cannot reach, or can possibly imagine. I am awake and I don't think I could come up with the images my sleeping mind could put (back) together. I needed a release. Back to me, even though I have always been here. I am here and I don't think I've strayed to far from who I am. I'm still discovering bits and pieces here and there. I have done well and i am proud of myself. I haven't been ignoring my unconscious conscious. just taking time to heal I suppose.

I feel "rejected" by love/ But this is not true. I can overcome this set back. As if to say yes, the sun shines down lovingly- warming my bones. I can't give up. But i'm residing to hold back.. what I truly need from someone.

Forgetting it...

The pieces seem to shape themselves together.
Easily as 1,2... 3 ..

It is just me that I have to worry about. No one else. No one is responsible for my actions, but myself.

If I want something to happen. I have to make an effort to take that step towards what I want, and watch it unfold.

DeVotchKA plays on Pandora...

It's like my heart is behind gates ready to be released, it feels like it's holding back. It wants nothing but to be let loose on the right person. To give and to receive everything it deserves in return. Like a bull behind the pen it paws at the ground.. and if it happens to be cold- steam coming out of it's nose. The horns are large and thick. Maybe a scary picture for any guy just wanting to chill out. Its good though.. A strong heart indeed.

I have to perfect it some more. Keep adding the picture of what I see in myself to fit the outer that is me.

I owe it to my heart to never let it down, and make sure its being cared for in return.



Right now, it's I that I have to watch out for. To get going on this journey. Finding the strength to succeed..

Peace Be Still

Peace, be still...
as I step my feet down on this ground.
laying down the strokes of my heart
one coat at a time

Peace, be still, as I lay
my head down to sleep
so I won't forget how
you found me..

..never finished.. 2010.28.02 Indira Allfree

I am going back to painting my art studio/shack. It's dark green, with a red door, painted sage on the inside and butterflies pasted to the walls tastefully, and bamboo Japanese room dividers as a window shade/bed hider. There will be shells along the window sills, fabric lining the ceiling. It needed warmth....it also needs a carpet thats tight..and I need to figure out how to water seal my door right..regardless of what it appears to be, I have a home now, and I have been here a while. I fixed this computer. It seemed impossible, but I somehow figured it out.

Now I have to finish what I started while it's still not raining.
We just got chickens, and the eggs are good.

It is a beautiful day.
It's going to be all right.

Sound

Sound can be so loud, even when there is no sound at all.
Ever since I've gotten this computer to work, I've been filling job search time with music. Sound...

Now this computer is having problems with sound. The silence is deafening, my head is filled with No sound, but the the thoughts that want to come bombarding it.

Silence can be profound... Listening to the silence is something else, especially when you just want to turn the silence off for a second.

Ever since I got here, I've had to deal with that. I've been listening to the silence and have found an energy in it like non other. I was listening to my own direction and nature.

Did I forget so quickly? Cosmic amnesia can be quick to set in if your not careful.

I need to wake up ...

I am being asked to listen....

8.8 Earthquake in Chili
the Earthquake in Haiti
Tsunami warnings..

The silence is trying to consume me..and all I want to do is listen to some music to drown it out...

I'm afraid of that silence...


but

follow this... Soldier of Love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvDaJaU5My4



especially when there's no one on the other end

Heaven and Hell

Heaven and Hell are within us, every waking conscious moment. We decide which world we walk in, in each moment, then we die and we don't have to deal with that anymore.We become free from that duality. Electrical currents surge through my body, flowing through my spine. My breath gasping for air tired of struggling. Stop. Breath, Move, and stretch.

I know that this is the answers as though they are being poured into me. Stop forcing things to work that aren't meant to. Be realistic with what you can and cannot do. Be humble and not walk to far deep into pride. Love yourself, Love your self in whatever you do, where ever you go. Be good to yourself.

Only you can free yourself from the suffering that create the chains around you.

Starlight Love is Our Nature

Roads... these roads led to you, and I watched you as you took yours and where you were going before you got there, you will find your road, your already there. When your on the right path in life, all is good.. and the magic of life will bend for you dripping its sweet dew of radiance over you... filling you with the light of love that will always surround you, and will always be there for you. Cause Love is ALL around you, it has never left your side... just Be... just Believe and Be.



Love is our Nature, and there is a war going on against it. How can we both be wrong? When Love is the answer?



Tales from a MySpace

I've been waiting to write anything that lacked substance.
Life and self examination

self love

trickling, licking my achilles wings

biting the ankles of others

opening- cracking the

sutures

that keep it all together


There is a door and it's lighted on the other side.

ending what no longer belongs in the system

beginning a new life and holding strong to what
actually belongs

and there is some hope that there will take place

a pairing of two hearts

what came together now becomes one.

finding existence in the self...

a solid lit love..


a different vibration... called.. calling a Calling... with these two hands I come full circle and I'm caught in this wheel.

my hands are tied now and I must keep walking forward and not looking back. Self, my shadow walk with me, don't linger behind me. There is no use to falling back. Grab hold of this light and fly with me. There is good on this other side, and this is where we will succeed in the direction that you wanted to be.


Personal Note...

I started massage therapy classes 3 months ago. 9 more months and I'm done

you are a mythic creature

Posting to no one... posting to no one just to you and me. trusting not one.. not one... I am in search of my shiva. I use to know him. I wonder where he is these days. I see him sometimes in the eyes of people I see on a daily basis. but my thoughts wonder... and I wonder if he really exist? Is he inside me only?

I don't have to express it... just respect it. Just watch it make you bloom and grow. My shiva.. this is how I am around you... I love you- just to let you know... you are to me like a sun ray... and soft lily on the pond at night... the little light of love lost... my touch- I just thought i'd let you know I miss it so...


Cicero... betrayed by his brothers...

Passion.... o shit.. do you all feel that ? What a experience you all would never know.

Existence

Justifying my actions... in learning from my mistakes...
where my heart needed more, and fell for you the minute you smiled
at me...

little did I know that all you wanted was to fuck me and leave... crazy fool I was to believe your devilish smile and sweet words. Like arrows you stuck me through and through.

My gut told me that you weren't the one. Your not what I needed. I tried to leave, but like some newly drug I've tasted, I became addicted.

I don't understand why I didn't leave when I heard the words, you'd get sick of me. Yet you still smiled through a pinched grin and a hard on, you some how still could win.

Somehow justifying my heart ache that I felt... what defined as friendship. Something else that was forsaken.

Misgivings that I somehow somewhere won your friendship.. and yet... all of it was a lie...Just to get laid.

I wish I had said no.. .. But I was still fresh at learning that word. I know it now because of you...

Now all they hear is no...

I've had a few since you... and since you I became so detached- and saw through the many yous that are walking around. None of you meaning to stay. None of you really meaning anything you say.

The "I want yous..." are all a lie. Just a way to get your way, thinking i'm an easy lay.

Now no... is I don't believe you, I can see right through you. go away- im not really a crazy fool. it will take someone special to get the yes... and almost teetered on a yes - but really... i'll die waiting if im suppose to, if its meant for me to wait for my special you...

I stuck by my own word... and am creating so much out of the this...this... solitude and self transformation
It's not that I decided to say no....

to not let you walk over me and tell me what to do..

It's not a new thing, No... in so many ways I will say it

No

No

There is no room for just you... when I haven't even sought out me.


No


Building my life,

I become light


I am

what a journey-

these new interest... and old ones collective joining together to make a beautiful reentry

into life... a new life. Something special... something close to Home.

Sick of people looking at me as if I am stupid... I am a fire blossoming in the middle of the night.. when you least expect it. I will light your soul on fire... like music rippling through the